Astews Thoughts

The issue today is actually quite complicated. I spend a lot of time thinking about many things, one of which is a girl. Pretty typical stuff, however I don’t think I’ve ever been so perplexed by something in my life. It’s been about a month or two since i blocked her on almost everything, but mainly the biggest channels of communication, which begs the question, why am I talking about her? Which is something I ask myself too. This is the longest I’ve gone without talking to her and I assumed if I just ignored all of it life would move on and so would I, unfortunately that hasn’t been the case. It seems like despite knowing exactly what will happen when I inevitably unblock her and text her I still have the urge to do so. Knowing that at the end of the day I’ll just end up hurting I still, for some reason want to know what she’s been doing. Last time we talked she had told me she was going on dates, which was almost unfathomable to me since I don’t want to date anyone. Though my situation is a little different, being recently put into a wheelchair and breaking my neck. Anyway, hearing that just totally shut me down and I couldn’t take it, so I did the only thing I could and just left. Emotionally speaking I guess. Now I’m in this spot where I think to myself that I shouldn’t have done that, but I really was just sitting around waiting for a text from her that wasn’t coming, like a dog that was abandoned waiting patiently for its owner. Not the most pleasant feeling.

Here we are to today, where I went to our old Spotify mix that still gets updated, and this will sound stupid but I still think the songs on there portray actual feelings and based on that she wants to reach out. I know, complete fairytale land and delusion, but what’s the worst that can happen? I actually know worst case scenario. Ignorance is bliss and this feeling I have to reach out will eventually fade. Do I really want to hear about what she’s doing? Probably not.

I guess that’s it, I’ll have another update soon. I figured writing how I felt would help but it all seems so complicated.